It doesn't matter how good you look on the outside if you're a shitty person under it all.

You know.

Life is gunna kill you.

I try so hard to write things like I used to. I can't tell you how many blogs I've begun writing and then deleted because I thought they were just so pointless.
I have started to second-guess myself a lot and I've become more conscious of the things I do and always end up thinking about how lame they all are.

I'm coming to terms with getting older and I think there must be a point where everyone realises how fragile they are.
I used to be invincible. I used to be all these things that I am scared of now. Sometimes I wonder if we all just continually evolve into new people and eventually forget the old people we were.
Forgetting is worse than making mistakes. Forgetting is like pretending it never happened, like denying evidence. Forgetting means you never really 'evolve' and you never really learn who you should be.

I get so scared that I hate myself. I force myself into a corner and I impose restrictions and I never DO anything because anything new is terrifying and it's not fair.

I figured out what growing up is... it's learning to be scared. The more scared you are, the less you rebel, the less you rebel the easier you are to fit into a category and the machine keeps working.
I really don't want to grow up. I really don't want to be anyone's idea of compliance. But how do you stop it? I'm scared of being scared.
I don't even know when it happened.

It's never going out to drink and have fun anymore, it's working out transport and worrying about cleaning up and hangovers. I used to laugh at people like me.

I need to let go of it all and I need to not care. And things need to go wrong.
And things will seem more perfect than ever.

I still feel lame.

Love, Morgs.

Summer 2009 and Beyond

To Do - Updated 4/1/10
- Purchase hammock and practice the art of swinging in one
- Buy a beginners book for a new language
- Buy more science fiction novels to read
- Learn an instrument
- Learn to cook three amazing Vegetarian dishes
- Spend a day in some else's shoes
- GET A JOB (work hard)
- Swim once a day during the warm months
- Put on local music events with Stono
- Start up some kind of physical activity-type hobby
- Think of more 'To Do's'
- Start being more organised
- Drink more water
- Eat things other than junk food!
- GET A FUCKING JOB
- Take photos
- Do some volunteer work

It's so funny how you think you know what lesson you're meant to learn and you end up finding out something completely different.

That makes life interesting.

Dammit all, I am just sad

Everything's staying as fucked up because all that I used to have burned out in a jar like a lightning bug.

If I wasn't getting out of there in 8 weeks I think I might just run away.

I want things to go back to how they were.
I want friends again.
I want time.
I want to be more sincere.
I want to do good things and not hate so much.

Mostly I just want back the people I love so much.

Want.

I just want a purpose and I just want there to be something I love doing.

I feel so lost.